The X Button
Street Spirit

by Todd Ciolek, Jun 19th 2014

I can't help but remember the CES in the wake of this recent E3. Not that it's disappeared or anything. The Consumer Electronics Show still takes place every January in Las Vegas. It's just not about video games so much. There was a time when the CES was what E3 is today: a massive showcase for the game industry and all of its ambitions and indulgences. An up-and-coming E3 stole most of that glory in the mid-1990s, but you can look at many rare images of the CES at its game-centric height on the Lost Levels photostream.

You'll see several photos of GamePro magazine's eponymous mascot, who didn't really stick around past 1991. Before drifting into obscurity alongside Niles Nemo and Banzai Chibi-Chan, GamePro posed with a bunch of CES celebrities and booth fixtures, including one curious sight.

See the little robot in the photo above? I can't figure out what game might have inspired it. Is it from some obscure Taito arcade thing? Is it GamePro's sidekick? Is it a model or a dwarf-manned robot suit? It's not the weirdest thing in those CES shots, but it's certainly a mystery to me.

NEWS

NINTENDO EXPLORES STEAMPUNK, OF ALL THINGS
Codename: S.T.E.A.M. sounds less like a Nintendo game and more like some trend-hopping webcomic. The acronym of the title stands for Strike Team Eliminating the Alien Menace, and it's an outfit of steam-fueled soldiers recruited by Abraham Lincoln to combat an extraterrestrial invasion. They're all masses of boilers and cogs and goggles, and the aliens are deliberate Lovecraft nods. It's all art director Takako Sakai's tribute to Silver Age comics…and, well, steampunk. As though there isn't enough of that already.

The gameplay, however, shows more promise. It's the work of Intelligent Systems, makers of the Advance Wars and Fire Emblem titles, and the battles mix strategy-RPG orders with an action-shooter approach to attacking. Nintendo also promises multiple solutions to defeating alien ranks, and the interface aims for a more approachable tone than Fire Emblem's often-doomed recruits (as there's no permadeath for characters). Steampunk may be overexposed, but Codename: S.T.E.A.M. is a uncharacteristic 3DS experiment from Nintendo, and those aren't too common.

HARVEST MOON GOES MINING
Early reports about Natsume's new Harvest Moon game compared it to Minecraft. Early reports weren't wrong. Harvest Moon: The Lost Valley lets players customize their surroundings by digging and stacking soil to create fields, lakes, and other helpful farming locales. The first screenshots reflect the boxy, layered look of a Minecraft creation, too.

Other aspects of the game are traditional Harvest Moon material: players farm things, sell things, pick a male or female avatar, befriend townsfolk, and eventually get married and start families (it's only heterosexual marriage this time, but Natsume's “looking into” other options for later games). For the most part, it seems a solid a Harvest Moon game.

The one issue: conversing portraits are just zoomed-in versions of the macrocephalic character models, and it looks a bit cheaper than the illustrations used in Story of Seasons. That's the XSEED name for the next Bokujou Monogatari series, which was known previously as Harvest Moon in North America. While XSEED may have the franchise in everything but name, Natsume still has the Harvest Moon copyright, and their internally made The Lost Valley appears faithful enough to its source. But which will emerge as the true Harvest Moon? Or will no one care so long as they can raise cows and court the village idiot?

Natsume is consistent with one more staple of the series, as Multiverse Studio Inc. has a new line of Harvest Moon Deluxe Plush animals based on The Lost Valley. The chick even turns into an egg!

MINUTIA MADNESS: BAYONETTA 2, TRIFORCE CLOCKS
There's nothing that quite stirs up fans like a needless extravagance. We live in such a time where actual games are easy to find, whether by reserving them at GameStop or nabbing them digitally. But a newly announced bonus game or pre-order trinket? Well, that's something to fight about.

Bayonetta 2 stirred up some ire with the revelation that the included copy of the original Bayonetta would be a digital download for us North American buyers. Meanwhile, Japan gets the bonus game as a separate disc. Yet the Japanese version cannot escape the new Bayonetta 2 cover, which producer Hideki Kamiya vociferously derided on Twitter. He objected that some meddlesome designer made the “2” red and switched the backdrop from a cloud-obscured crescent moon to a looming yellow lunarscape.

Meanwhile, the Japanese market gets a deluxe package for the upcoming Hyrule Warriors, the Wii U's Zelda-themed open-field brawler. A Premium Edition comes with an artbook and costumes, while a Treasure Edition comes with a musical box, more costumes, and a Zelda-themed scarf. Both sets include the above-pictured Triforce Clock, which looks a bit painful to use with the traditional snooze button placement. Will Nintendo offer something like it for America, or will Zelda fans just turn to Esty instead?

DOWNLOAD REVIEWS: ULTRA DRAGON BREED

ASTEBREED
Developer: Edelweiss
Publisher: Playism Games
Platform: PC (Steam)
MSRP: $19.99

The term “indie shooter” may conjure visions of something that looks slightly better than a mid-1990s arcade shoot-'em-up and slightly worse than an early PlayStation game, but Astebreed is as slick as they come. Though it's a 2-D shooter at heart, its three-dimensional sights spin the player's mecha through fire-licked city ruins, trans-spacial warp tunnels, and mid-space battles where spiky drone ships swarm in loops and giant cruisers spew screen-sweeping lasers. It's all in the service of a story about twin sisters divided by an interstellar war, and there's even a stream of Gundam-ish chatter amid all of the flashing, gleaming, exploding fury.

Astebreed keeps its head, however. While the stages whirl around the player, there's always an attack for the situation. Two vulcan-laser guns summon different targeting reticles when the button is held down: one locks on to everything in a circular field, the other throws out a wireframe cone to zap enemies (not unlike the green sweeper from Thunder Force V). Another button controls a sword-slash, and it even lets your mecha thrust and glide around the screen like a robot fencer. Astebreed switches perspectives often, moving from a side-scroller to a Panzer Dragoon-ish rail shooter and back again, and it's a pleasant challenge to change weapons along with the game.

If there's a problem, it's that Astebreed's almost a sensory overload. It's occasionally easy to lose track of your ship in the clamor of battle, as though developer Edelweiss was a bit too determined to make their latest creation a modern glamour piece. But they succeeded at that, and they brought a first-rate shooter along for the ride. They also succeeded at making a weird political statement—it's not quite Metal Wolf Chaos or Liberation Maiden, but the tutorial stage in Astebreed does find a planetary president piloting his own giant robot.

DRAKENGARD 3: INTONER STORIES
Developer: Access Games
Publisher: Square Enix
Platform: PlayStation 3
MSRP: $5.99 each, $29.99 for the entire pack

Drakengard 3 isn't fair to its characters. That's pretty much the point of the game. I expect that many players were left with questions about the Intoners, six goddess-like beings who take over a harsh medieval realm. The central game followed Zero, the oldest and crankiest Intoner, on a quest to kill her five sisters, and some of them weren't developed much beyond their boss encounters and ancillary rumors. Why was Three insane? How did Two go from a bubbly tomboy to a mewling imbecile? And what was One's plan, anyway?

The downloadable Drakengard 3 side-stories don't dispel every mystery about the Intoners and their world, but they shed light on the characters. Zero gets a subquest detailing her first meeting with the dragon Michael (the precursor to her babbling kid dragon, Mikhail), and the other stories explore the motivations behind her varied sisters: methodical One, cheerful Two, spookily inquisitive Three, seemingly innocent Four, and sybaritic Five. Cute storybook-cutout scenes introduce all sorts of creepy undertones, and telling snippets of the characters' memories unlock with each level gained. Some Intoners are just as depraved as the bulk of Drakengard 3 suggested, and others are far worse than the game ever implied. Only one of them is a genuinely good person. And for that she must suffer tragedies untold.

These stories cover their disquieting territory with the same play mechanics as Drakengard 3, pairing fast-paced, chaotic combat with a misbehaving viewpoint. The Intoners are a bit more limited here, though. Their quests last for a few chapters, each antiheroine has only a single weapon, and Japanese text sometimes pops up in the localized script. There is, however, a payoff for completing each tale: an Intoner's weapon becomes available in the main game, and glowing gold soldiers appear to dispense piles of money when struck.

The side-quests vary in quality. Two and Four have the most interesting tales and movesets, Five's is mostly comical but a good time for spearfighters, Three's is disturbing to watch and frustrating to play, One's is a bit dull, and Zero's is an intriguing but repetitive prologue to everything. Buying the whole set may be a bit much, but I suspect that anyone who plunged deep into the drippy morass of Drakengard 3 picked out favorite Intoners along the way. And for them, one or two downloadable side-stories won't disappoint. They might depress and horrify, but they won't disappoint.

ULTRA STREET FIGHTER IV
Developer: CAPCOM
Publisher: CAPCOM
Platform: PlayStation 3, Xbox 360
MSRP: $14.99

Is Ultra Street Fighter IV the definitive version of the game, crystalized at the peak of its entire series? Yes, it is. At least until someone discovers a ridiculously overpowered Rufus maneuver and CAPCOM updates it again. In the meantime, Ultra has a lot to recommend it. The five new characters feel right at home: Rolento, Elena, Hugo, and Poison smoothly made the trip from Street Fighter X Tekken's nearly submerged ship, and Decapre's an interesting addition in the way she plays. Sure, she looks like Cammy in a mask (which really isn't much lazier than Juni or Juli from Street Fighter Alpha 3), but she employs charge moves and a button-mashy rush attack that's all too tempting to abuse.

All of the returning characters get fairly extensive tweaks, whether they come with slightly faster moves or hitbox adjustments. It's still a letdown when an attack is enervated—was Juri's backward-jumping divekick that much of a threat? Fortunately, local players can select different versions of a character's moveset, going all the way back to the original Street Fighter IV. A shame it isn't available in online matches, but that would play hell with the competitive aspect. In that light, Ultra's biggest additions are red focus attacks that do more damage and absorb more blows, plus the option to equip a character's two available super moves instead of just picking one. Being greedy makes both movies weaker, of course. That's what you get.

Ultra isn't really the all-in-one culmination of the Street Fighter IV line, though most of its missing pieces are irrelevant to the gameplay. There's no gallery mode for watching endings and the older intros, and the one-player options are paltry. And if I may, I'd like to point out that Rolento's storyline is lame. The brief character arcs suffer from cheap animation, but most of the cutscenes fit the characters. Rolento's bits, however, play his private-army ambitions with a straight face, instead of making him into a delusional one-man military like Street Fighter X Tekken did. At least he has a great losing line.

NEXT WEEK'S RELEASES

SHOVEL KNIGHT
Developer: Yacht Club Games
Publisher: Yacht Club Games
Platform: Steam/Wii U/3DS
Release Date: June 26
Gravedigger DLC: Unconfirmed
MSRP: $14.99

You could argue that the neo-retro trend is disingenuous and overcooked, that imitation NES graphics are cheap, blatantly nostalgic paint on mediocre games, showing no more care than some chintzy Wal Mart shot glasses adorned with vintage-1989 Ninja Turtles logos. You could argue that, but you might not want to cite Shovel Knight as a prime offender of neo-retro frippery. It shows every sign of being much better than the usual tossed-out mockery that makes Amagon look good.

Shovel Knight sets out on a crusade through various side-scrolling levels, and at first he has only a simple gardening implement. The shovel can strike enemies, yes, but it also deflects enemy bullets, digs up treasures, and functions like a DuckTales pogo cane that lets the Knight bounce off foes or bound to new heights. Extra weapons are available in convenient Castlevania fashion. Despite such comparisons, the game has Megaman foremost among its influences. It's evident in the jumping mechanics, the peppy metallic soundtrack, the disappearing blocks that bridge treacherous chasms, and the underlying sprite-work of the backgrounds.

Of course, Shovel Knight can break from old Nintendo standards. It frequently pulls out visual tricks that the NES could never manage, and the upgrade system goes beyond that distant era's typical protagonist progression. The stages include all sorts of secrets, and many of them involve experimenting with the game's apparent rules. The NES era wouldn't have been the same without cheating.

XBLAZE - CODE: EMBRYO
Developer: Arc System Works
Publisher: Aksys Games
Platform: PlayStation 3, PS Vita
Release Date: June 24
Kuon Glamred Stroheim: Typical BlazBlue name
MSRP: $39.99

Some BlazBlue fans may look at the cover of Xblaze – Code: Embryo and wonder just what the hell this has to do with Arc System Works' hyper-flashy fighting game series. Well, Xblaze is one of those distantly related prequels, taking place about 150 years before any major BlazBlue goings-on.

Rather than a hero with a name like Ragna the Bloodedge, the protagonist is Toya Kagari, one of those common high-schoolers who stumbles into conspiracies and violence previously unimagined in the mundane world. He does this by wandering into his city's cordoned-off district, where he's saved from certain death by Es, one of those flat-spoken mystery women in frilled attire. Before long, she's transferred to Toya's school and established herself as yet another of his odd friends, in one of those visual novel plotlines that surrounds the hero with potential otherworldly girlfriends. The unfolding tale doesn't feature too many faces from the later BlazBlue brouhaha, but it tosses around some familiar concepts and acronyms.

Xblaze is a visual novel in its approach to storytelling, though it introduces something different in the TOi system. It's an in-game network that submits various articles and news bits for Toya's attention, and the plot shifts depending on what information he shuns or absorbs.

If nothing else, Xblaze makes for an interesting test on two fronts. Will BlazBlue fans pick up a game without Noel Vermillion or Iron Tager or some other familiar character on the cover? And will visual novel fans latch onto a mere fighting-game side attraction?

Also Available:
For those who desire more BlazBlue, the Vita version of Chrono Phantasma finds its way to North American next week. The PlayStation 3 and Vita also get Atelier Rorona Plus, which dresses up the older Atelier Rorona with new character models, a faster battle system, and other little improvements. For a more traditional (in other words, 16-bit) RPG, Natsume has Kemco's End of Serenity as a digital PSP release.

Ubisoft also brings Valiant Hearts: The Great War to the PC as well as the PlayStation and Xbox console families. It's a puzzle-adventure game based on...actual letters from World War I soldiers. An interesting premise, that.

THE DRAKENGARD 3 CONTEST: WORST ENTRIES

This is the last stretch of the Drakengard 3 Contest, and we're down to the Worst Entry division! I made sure that this section included only people who specified their stories for the category, because I didn't want to accidentally make fun of someone's earnest tale about Two cooking sand-ogre amandine or Mikhail petting a puppy too hard. Only those who wanted to be the worst are here.

David Shallcross prefaced his entry with “I think it is pretty bad,” but I think it's good journalism!

The Intoner Girls burst upon the scene in the mid '90s. There was something magical about their singing, something that made them conquer the charts, overthrowing the previous leaders. No one ever knew their birth names, as they just went by the numbers tattooed on their foreheads -- I, II, III, IV, and V. Later, some of the tabloids started giving them nicknames like "Posh Intoner", "Scary Intoner", "Baby Intoner", "Sporty Intoner", and "Ginger Intoner", not necessarily in that order.

In the beginning, they lived together, and published their first few albums. "Meet the Intoners". "The Intoners Return". "Submit to the Intoners". Later on, they acquired boyfriends, called Disciples by the press, and split up into separate households, going so far as to disperse into the land of sands, the land of forests, the land of mountains, and the land of seas. Later albums like "Running with Scissors", "I want it, it's mine", and "Stewed Troll for Lunch", were largely considered to be the work of individual Intoners, with the tracks phoned in.

In parallel, the original Intoner Girls Fan Club split up into contending factions, first into separate factions for each girl, and then further splitting on how to handle the existence of the Disciples. Dito even got death threats from outraged fans, along with love letters.

I probably shouldn't discuss their fling with Ceremonial Magic, involving summoning beings known variously as Angels or Demons. You don't know who is watching.

III's hairdresser was reported as saying "She had amazing hair. Positively uncanny how fast it would grow".

It all came to an end when an old associate of theirs, who was promptly given the name "Zero", and rumored to be either their first manager, their old drug dealer, or both, resurfaced and started killing them. Authorities were unable to do anything. "The only evidence, other than the grossly mutilated remains of the girls, is an odor of dragon flatus. And flatulent dragons are not uncommon," said the chief of detectives of the land of mountains.

The exact details of the killings are not appropriate for a family magazine, and so I won't go into them here. Suffice it to say, each of them was killed, each of them died, and none of them miraculously came back to life. At least, not for very long. Not even as zombies, or vampires, or those zombie/vampire hybrids that are so popular in low budget horror movies. (I blame George Romero. Proper zombies are corpses brought back to life by voodoo, are somewhat slow moving, and have no desire to eat brains.)

Their final album "Dragoon", never saw official release, as the rights were in dispute after the death of I. Lawsuits between Utahime Records and the Society for the Destruction of Humanity dragged on for years, leading to a bootleg release entitled "Drag-on Dragoon". Of course, I can't recommend listening to bootlegs, as that would be in violation of the rights of UR or the SDH, which ever is eventually victorious.

TN's entry gets right to the heart of Drakengard 3's scatological fixations! Well, not the heart, actually…
A shadow had shrouded Zero and Mikhail from the sunlight. Zero looked up to locate the source: it was a large, hungry-looking monster. Before Zero could move, the monster's mouth had already engulfed Zero and her dragon.

“Crap!” Zero yelled.

Zero was used to being covered in blood and guts, but for some reason she was bothered by the stomach acid that she was drenched in.

Zero and Mikhail eventually found “land”.

“Where are we?” Mikhail asked. “Did we really get eaten?”

“Where the hell does it look like we are, Crap Land?” Zero was pissed.

“What's Crap Land?” Mikhail was sincerely curious.

“Never mind. Let's just find a way out.”

“Can't I just, you know, fly us out?”

“That's a good idea, Mikhail, but we'd just get eaten again. Besides, I bet we're already almost out the back end.”

“Ewww, Zero, that's gross.”

“Come on, Mikhail. This way.” Zero was following the flow of the liquids.

“I don't want to!,” Mikhail said. But Zero had already hopped into the swirling vortex of stomach liquids. He had no choice. He took a deep breath, and then he jumped in.

Moments later, there was light.

“We made it!” Mikhail said happily as they landed on a pile of soft brown... stuff.

“See? What'd I tell you?” Suddenly, Zero felt the ground shake, and the light started to fade away.

A shadow had shrouded Zero and Mikhail from the sunlight. Zero looked up to locate the source: it was a large, hungry-looking monster. Before Zero could move, the monster's mouth had already engulfed Zero and her dragon.

“Crap!” Zero yelled.

Zero was used to being covered in blood and guts, but she was bothered by the fact that stomach acid was covering her.

Zero and Mikhail eventually found “land”.

“Don't tell me, did we really get eaten, again?” Mikhail said.

“We're not in Crap Land anymore.” Zero was pissed.

“So the place we were at, was that Crap Land?” Mikhail was sincerely curious.

“Never mind. Let's just get out.”

“Can't I just, you know, fly us out?”

“You really wouldn't want to get eaten again, now would we? Besides, I bet we're already almost out the back end.”

“I feel queasy.”

“Come on, Mikhail. This way.” Zero was following the flow of the liquids.

“Not again!,” Mikhail said. But Zero had already hopped into the swirling vortex of stomach liquids. He took a deep breath, and then he jumped in.

Moments later, there was light.

“We made it!” Mikhail said happily.

“See? What'd I tell you?” Suddenly, Zero felt the ground shake.

TO BE CONTINUED?

Ryan goes for the gusto with the following bit of nastiness! In a rarity for this column, all of the typos are intentional!

“mikhail! you idiot!” zero screamed “owww!” Mikhail cowered “ow, sorry ow!” “you broke it!” zero snapped “stupid dragon ill teach you yourr place” the dragon had never seen zero this mad befor , she slapped him

“zero! how could you do some thing like this!” one, whom had just entered the room, wailed wholeheartedly. “it's coweredly!” one was the most kind hearted, she just cant stand to see her loved ones hurt, she just coulnt stand see zero hurt Mikhail like that anymore”please hes are family!” she cryed.

zero was angry “shut up shut up! You don't have any right to say that to me! “ zero spat angrily “beside I saw what you did to him lastnight! You hypocrite! You are even worst then me! “ one tured white, she thought nobody knew, how could zero have seen her anyway? She must be lying; “ saw what” she smiled innocently.

Zero opened her mouth to yell her reply , when the heard a scream from the kitchen, they all ran quickly to kitchen to find out what had happened , zero gasped, there was blood all over the floor and too was kneeling down and holding her arm”what happened in hear!”she asked franticly “i-i was just making diner and a-and” she trailed off. Zero sneered ;“you just messed up, AGAIN!” too started crying” SHUT UP YOU BITCH! I WAS WORKING HARD AND I JUST MADE A LIDDLE MISTAKE AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WAY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE DIINER FOR YOUSELF YOU. STUPID. LAZY. WHORE.” One was really surprised, too was never the type to make a seen, not like this, she was just to nice! Too was just never angry like this.

zero was so annoyed that she just stabbed her, too fell on the floor with blood gushing from her wound, it spred out on the white floor like a blanket of roses blooming rapidly over the lunar surface, at once dark and heartbreakingly beautiful ,so much so that you just couldn't look away.

for walked in to the room and screamed when she saw what all the blood, so zero picked up the bloody knife that three had been useing out of her now-ice-cold fingers and thour it at for, for fell on the floor and writhing in pain started gurgling blood out of her mouth that driped on the floor mixing with her tears .

one gasped in fear and started to run away”not so fast !“She laughed , she leaped over the bodys and with a single cut of her blade cut her own sisters head off, her head rolled on the floor as if in slow motion,as gentle as a drop of dew on a spring flower, her head came to a stop with her horror filled eyes staring blankly at the celing, with her tongue lolling out of her mouth.

“ha!” she laughed , she picked up threes sever arm,”mikhail!” she screamed;”EAT IT!” Mikhail had never been so scared, he cowered as she smiled evilly. after she made mikhail eat her sisters bodys she lit the house on fire, which killed the last to of her sisters, after that she cut mikhails head of and said”too didn't make dinner so I will have to make it my self!” the she cooked mikhails head in the same fire that she burned her familys bodys in and ate it raw. And then she laughed saying”this is all so much fun; as she left to go kill even more people.

Cetais Pixeleuh took my advice to heart. At some point in the contest I stated that I hadn't received any “worst” entries, which meant that someone could write nothing but “dragon farts” and have a shot at winning. That was the example I used.

So I deserved Ihis.

As the sun was settting in the sky, the giant, almighty animal was looking at it, holding the hand of it's mother. as the wind was fleeting on their head, they couldn't help it, and started farting. Again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, again and again, until his whole body couldn't endure it. He then died.

I also deserved this, contributed by “abmaharaj.”

DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS, DRAGON FARTS...

Everybody is killed by a final wrank DRAGON FART!!!

Well, that was...better than those Eragon books.

And that wraps up the Drakengard 3 Contest! My thanks go out to all who entered! I'm sorry I had only one huge Drakengard 3 box to give away as the grand prize, but Square Enix has a signed version up for grabs in a haiku contest! Go for it!


Todd Ciolek occasionally updates his website, and you can follow him on Twitter if you want.

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