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Night fox
 Posts: 561 Location: Sweden |
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*Opens door to underground bomb shelter and carefully peeks outside*
Is it over? *coughing with eyes tearing from the heavy smoke in the air* Hey! Is anyone still alive out there!? *long eerie silence* |
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louis6578
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SAO is such a bad show. How much do you wanna bet that if Studio DEEN or Toei made it, it wouldn't be nearly as popular. I mean, the superficial things are the only redeeming factor of the anime. That, and season 2 has a good arc or two.
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Recaps SAO Episode Four- Silica, Not Suguha!
Last time on Sword Art Online: Narrator: Our hero has joined a guild! Kirito: Wait, what the hell am I doing here? Black Cats: Thanks for saving our lives, Great Hero! Kirito: Wait, when did I do that? Keita: Anyway, Great Hero, how powerful are you? Kirito: Um...same as you? Narrator: Liar. You're twice as powerful as they are. Kirito: Please go away. Sachi: And I'm the girl next door slash love interest! Narrator: One month later... Kirito: Wait, ONE MONTH!? Fighting happens! Black Cats: Thanks for leading us, Great Hero! Kirito: But I thought Keita was the leader...? Black Cats: FRIENDSHIP! Narrator: That night, at the hotel... Black Cats: WE'RE RICH! Keita: Let's upgrade Sachi's equipment! Sachi: No thanks. As the token girl, I should be ladylike and let my men do the fighting. Keita: Ah, yes, how ridiculous of us. Narrator: One week later... Kirito: Ugh, whiplash. Can you stop that!? Narrator: NEVER! Klein: Hey, dude, nice to see you again! Kirito: Oh sh*t a character more interesting than me! Teleportation! Kirito: What's this? A letter from Keita! Sachi's gone? I have to find her! To the bridge! Kirito: What's wrong Sachi? Sachi: I just realized that I could die at any moment. Kirito: Are you sure you aren't on your period or something? Sachi: Oh, like you aren't terrified. Kirito: I'm the hero; I'm not supposed to die. Narrator: At the hotel... Kirito: I think we're in love now. Sachi: Yeah, it says here we are. I think it's because I have breasts or something. Narrator: One month later! Kirito: Oh, come on! Keita: I'm off to buy our house. You guys better not be dead when I come back. Black Cats: We're off to find some cash! A hidden room appears! But it's a trap! Kirito: This was a stupid idea. Black Cats: Agreed. The Black Cats die. Narrator: It's Christmas~! And Keita committed suicide, by the way! Kirito: Well, f**k you too. Argo: Hey there's a rumor that you can bring back someone to life. Kirito: Well, since I don't have a One Twu Wub, I'll bring back Sachi. Argo: Oh, don't act so dark and tortured. We're not in an Urobuchi story. Kirito: I'd rather be in an Urobuchi novel at this point. That guy has clout! Narrator: Somewhere in the forest... Klein: Hey, Dude, want some help? Kirito: No! I'm dark and tortured! Narrator: One fight scene later! Kirito: Well, that was pointless. Narrator: Back at the inn! Kirito: Huh? A message from Sachi? Sachi: Merry Christmas! I was kidding about scared! Female hormones and all! Also, I knew all along you were lying. I'd be mad, but since I'm a Good Little Wimmins, I am physically incapable of anger. Anyway, bye. Well, now that we got that out of the way, let's discuss "The Black Swordsman"! Well, at least it's better than the second and third episodes. On the other hand, that's not really saying much because Episodes Two and Three were really bad. This episode is more on the filler side, focusing on what the writers really wanted in the end; cute girls fawning over our White Bread protagonist! At least Silica is likable. So let's see what's in store for us! *** The episode begins with our Girl of the Week being bullied. Apparently, Silica's group continually hordes their healing crystals while forcing her to fight on the front lines. Their leader has a name, but since she doesn't have a lot of personality outside of being cruel, I have decided to call her B***h. Because that's really all there is to her. Oh, and Laura Post voices her, so there's that. 
This is Silica, voiced by Christine Marie Cabanos. Her performance is fine, though not as good as Xanthe Huynh's was in the previous episode. Then again, I prefer Cabanos more when she's in a comedy than a drama. Have you seen the Madoka Magica bloopers? She's freaking hilarious in there! Anyhoo, I actually like Silica a bit. She's adorable while also being able to handle things on her own! In fact, when she's being abused by B***h, she not only refuses to take it, she actually quits and decides to find another group! So far, she is the best female character in this, which still doesn't say much because of the rampant sexism in this. We then cut to later that night, where Silica fights solo against some monkeys alongside her dragon companion, Pina, who takes a fatal blow for her. Today's plot revolves around Silica going on a journey to revive Pina, and honestly, I don't think it's ridiculous. Studies have shown that people can indeed empathize with machines given certain circumastances. Heck, given that sapient A.I.s do exist in canon, who's not to say that Pina is self-aware? The bond between Silica and Pina is far more interesting than the former's relationship to Kirito. Speak of the White Bread, he charges in and saves Silica's life from the monsters. Fortunately, Silica doesn't immediately fall in love with Kirito (because boobs), but instead has a human reaction to her pet's death. All that remains of Pina is a single feather. Silica cries over her companion's death, and I do feel a little sorry for her. She evens refers to Pina as her best friend. Jesus. Anyway, turns out that the feather Pina left behind is actually their heart. Kirito exposits that that means there's still a chance to revive Pina. All they have to do is go to this place called The Hill of Memories. There, Silica can find a flower to bring back her pet and everything will be hunky-dory. They only have three days, though, so they have to be quick! So, what do I think about Kirito in this episode? He isn't so much stupid or whiny as he is just sort of bland and boring. He has as much personality as a piece of toast or a styrofoam peanut. He's nice, but nice isn't really enough to make a character. See my thoughts on Nunnally from Code Geass for more info on that. So, Kirito gives Silica some stuff, and she wonders why he's being so nice to someone he barely knows. He admits that it's because she reminds him of his sister Suguha, and given what we were told about her in Episode One, this makes no sense. To keep myself from going insane, I decided to insert a head-canon where Kirito projects his idea of Suguha onto Silica, to the point where he calls her by the wrong name. There, I fixed the show! GIVE ME COOKIES! 
["So, Suguha-" "My name is Silica." "...Yes. What you said."] We then cut to Floor Thirty-something, where we discover that Silica is quite the celebrity. She tends to attract a lot of guys to her, to which I say Jesus, guys, she's in middle school! She's barely a teen, by the way! What even the hell!? Kirito comments on her in-universe fame (but not that she's pedo-bait), to which Silica responds that she's not taken too seriously. People just want her to be their mascot and then she starts to cry and awww. Silica, baby, no! I'll take you out of this horrible narrative! I'm sure someone at Nitro Plus would love to have you around! Just make sure to avoid any white rabbit-weasels who want to make contracts with you. The two make their way to a hotel when they run into B***h and her posse. B***h then proceeds to harrass Silica, emotionally abusing her by playing on her self-worth. She even mocks her when Silica announces her plans to revive Pina. Wow, what an ass. It's even worse when you consider that B***h here is a freaking ADULT bullying a CHILD. Meanwhile, at the hotel, Silica wonders why B***h has to act as such. Kirito then explains GIFT (Great Internet F**kwad Theory), which pretty states that some people just like playing the villain. Actually, no, Kirito, people act like d**ks online because there's no real life consequences. With the veil of anonymity, they can be as awful and mean as they want without any restraints whatsoever. You're an idiot. Silica, however, refuses to give up, reaching across the table and praising Kirito (ARGH). Then we get a shot of her BUUUUUUUTT. Yeah, the fanservice in this episode can get annoying very quickly. There's an art to this sort of thing, Show. Use fanservice too much or at the wrong time and you'll tick off a lot of people watching. Anyway, like I said in the previous episode, isn't Asuna supposed to be Kirito's One Twu Wub? This Ship Teasing has no point other than to pander to the otaku dollar. We then cut to Silica's room, where she is hanging out in her undies because of course she is. That and Komedy. Yeah, this was written in the earlier 2000's, and it shows in it's outdated Harem Comedy humor. Anyway, Kirito got a map so they could plan their route. Suddenly, his Stu Powers activate, and he senses a spy in their midst! I don't care. The next morning, Kirito and Silica head off to the Hill of Memories, located on the Flower Garden floor. There are couples everywhere because of course they are. The two make their way to get the flower when suddenly, a plant monster grabs Silica. Komedy ensues, with Silica screaming for Kirito to save her while also telling him not to look at her panties. You know, I'm reminded of this scene in Kill la Kill's first episode where Mako Mankanshoku (also voiced by Cabanos) freaks out over the fact that her panties and chest are about to show. Do you know why that was actually funny, Show? Because Mako was far more concerned about that than the fact she was about to be FRIED TO DEATH. This is just lame as hell! Go sit in the corner, Show, and think long and hard about what you've done. Thank God Silica manages to save herself. Then she and Kirito decide to talk about Suguha. Okay, given what I know about Fairy Dance, I need to talk about something. There is literally no reason for Suguha and Kirito to be cousins. The only reason they mention is this is because A) AAAAANGST and B) to make what happens between Suguha and Kirito later on "okay". We'll get to that when we get to that, though. Really, this scene is just Kirito Saying Things and the show expecting you to feel something for a character who was barely onscreen and doesn't really matter to this arc. 
[So, that's enough about me, Suguha-" "Still Silica." "Um, sure."] Suddenly, Silica finds herself in a trap! Kirito one shots the tentacly monster and more Komedy and bleh. The two then find the reviving flower, and Silica is happy. They head back to town when once more, Kirito's Stu Powers activate! It's B***h and her posse once more! Okay, so another thing. Out of all four female characters seen so far (Asuna, Sachi, Silica, B***h), only the last one is portrayed as having real power and influence over others AND is also portrayed as being pure evil. Am I the only one who noticed this? Yeesh. Anyway, B***h attempts to bully Silica and Kirito into handing their loot over. Then suddenly, a big twist! Turns out Kirito was looking for B***h, having overheard about her reign of terror. Turns out her posse's been killing other players, and Kirito's been trying to bring her to justice because he's the hero, I guess. Then B***h's posse proceeds to attack Kirito. It is here that it's revealed that Kirito is basically immortal. Yup, Kirito has a healing skill that basically ensures he can't die. I'm sorry, was there supposed to be tension here? That moment pretty much ensures that there's no more suspense in this series. Yeah, I know the hero isn't going to really die, but can't you at least pretend there's a risk? Kirito then cows B***h into submission. Back at the hotel, he then admits to Silica that he was using her to draw out B***h. Wow, you're just as much of an ass as her. Silica forgives him easily because he is the Stu (see last episode with Sachi) and Kirito gives her Sage Advice. The episode ends as Silica revives Pina, with an inner dialogue cementing her as a member of Kirito's harem. *** Well, I did like Silica. She's cute and also capable of being a badass when she needs to. Some of the animation is fine and the acting isn't too bad. But was it worth getting through this bit of filler? This episode succumbs to what I call the Curse of Four. In a fourth episode of any given anime production, something is going to go wrong meta-wise. If anybody else wants to watch this show, I highly recommend you give this episode a skip. There's no point to it as far as I can see. It's just sort of meh. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes Porco Rosso: 6/11 Akane Recaps SAO Episode Five 6/13 |
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Gina Szanboti
Posts: 11349 |
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Loved the recap. Spot on.
I don't remember what we were told. |
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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@ Gina Szanboti
Thanks for your comments! At least I know my misery makes people laugh. Anyway, while I didn't cover it at the time because it wasn't important, we are told at least one thing about Suguha in the first episode, which is that she doesn't like video games. Kirito is reminded by a gamer about his little sister who doesn't like games. I still barely know who Suguha is at this point other than she hates games and is a kendo master. And yet I am still supposed to buy that Silica reminds Kirito of this character who's barely been in the show, on-screen or in the minds of anyone. |
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Gina Szanboti
Posts: 11349 |
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I see. I assume he meant age/appearance/general personality (which having none of his own, he must attach great significance to), rather than interests. Since we've never seen her at at this point, it's hard to say they're not alike. Also, he's probably homesick, so any girl younger than he is (plus not attractively suicidal) would probably remind him of her.
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louis6578
Posts: 1861 |
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But that would require a character in SAO having a personality. |
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Analyzes Porco Rosso - What is Porco About?
Hello and welcome to Akane Analyzes. First of all, I'd like to thank each and every one of you who came by to read or comment on both Akane Analyzes AND Akane Recaps. I can never be grateful enough for your audience. Thank you all. You know, people don't talk about Porco Rosso enough. Honestly, I think this film needs more love and attention that it currently has. It has Tim Burton's Batman as Porco! It has fun action scenes and light-hearted comedy! And, of course, it has thoughtful social commentary and one of anime's most interesting main protagonists. It's a bit cliche for me to say this, but this film is deep man. But what is Porco commenting on, exactly? Well, I've got more than one answer for you. So let's take a look at one of Ghibli's most underrated films and show why this masterpiece deserves to be in the public eye more! Mandatory Spoiler Alert! This post will be spoiling the entirety of Porco Rosso. If you haven't seen the movie and would like to go in blind, go watch it right now! If you have seen the movie or haven't but don't care about spoilers, go ahead!. The Times They Are A'Changing 
The End of An Era is a common theme in great literature, as well as in Ghibli films. Here, though, is where I feel this idea is most prominent. Porco is a (relatively) old soul, forced to deal with a changing environment that no longer needs him. In the beginning, we see Porco making a living as a bounty hunter, hunting down seaplane pirates for monetary gain. However, around the second act, we find out that bounty hunting has been outlawed by the newly-implemented Facist regime, meaning Porco is out of a job AND on the run from the law. We also see this Old VS. New contrast between Porco and both his kid sidekick Fio and main rival Curtis. Fio is an idealistic, peppy, insanely cheerful young lady who won't back down without a struggle. Curtis is a childish, hopeless romantic who nevertheless has high hopes for his future. Porco, however, is jaded and cynical, albeit with most of his hatred directed towards himself. World War One's changed him, and not for the better. Even his character design reflects this. Porco's looks can remind one of middle-aged men who can't lose weight. Most noticably, his hair as a pig is gray, reflecting how the war and his guilt stemming from it has aged him. Which is pretty damn ironic, considering that Porco is in his mid-thirties. WOMAN POWER! 
Yep, here's our classic Miyazaki feminism showing up as usual! There's actually a minor plot thread where Porco doesn't trust Fio to rebuild his plane. When she asks if it's because she's a woman or that she's young, he answers "Both". Of course, we're meant to see Porco as wrong, and he does eventually learn that Fio is indeed capable of taking up the task to design and fix up his beloved plane. I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention Porco's childhood friend Gina here. There's a minor subplot where Gina falls back in love with Porco three years after her third husband's disappearance and death. However, she's far from being a spineless damsel, as proven in her interactions with Curtis. When he attempts to win her over, Gina won't take it. In fact, she not only enforces the Hotel Adriano's Truce Zone, she goes right to Porco and Curtis' dogfight when she discovers that the Italian Air Force is coming for her friend. There's also a great sequence when Porco's friend Piccolo has all his female relatives come to help build Porco's plane, since the men have all left to find work. Of course, Porco doesn't like the idea of having a bunch of women around, but once again, he's proven wrong. The women manage to hold their own, handling carpentry, engineering, as well as the cooking. I don't expect less from a Miyazaki film these days. To Accept Oneself is To Love Oneself 
Porco's entire journey is that of learning to love himself again after a certain incident during the war. When Fio asks about how he became a pig, Porco tells her about what was supposed to be just another patrol. One of his fellow pilots was a man named Berlini, who was both his friend and Gina's first husband. However, they're ambushed by enemy pilots, and Porco panics and flees. He was the only survivor of the dogfight. It's highly implied that Porco chose to become a pig, reflecting his survivor's guilt. He's convinced that he's nothing more than a coward and greedy, and that nobody really wants him around because of that. He lives alone in a secluded cove, and while he certainly has many friends, he doesn't seem to want to be close to them as he used to be. There's a point in the film where he sees a newspaper with the headline, "Is Porco Rosso Dead or Alive?". To this, he says: "Good question." But in the end, Porco does indeed become a human again through the support of his loved ones. Notably, it's both Gina and Fio who save him from his spiral into depression. Gina's coming to save him proves to Porco once and for all that she- as well as all of his friends- do care about him and want him to be happy. It's a kiss from Fio that seals the deal, turning Porco back into a human. The Power of Love really can save others. Conclusion Now that I think about it, maybe there is a reason that Porco isn't as well as known as the rest of the Ghibli collection among non-anime fans. For starters, it's probably the most adult film in the canon (outside of Princess Mononoke, of course). There's of course some action and silly hijinks for the kids, but it's not really child-friendly, so to speak. But that doesn't mean I can't recommend this to anyone. Porco Rosso is both fun and light-hearted while also being thoughtful and mature. It manages to tell a complex and interesting story without being in-your-face about it. I highly recommend this film to Ghibli enthusiasts, plane nerds, and actually, most of you out there. It has something to offer to every fan, so go check it out when you have the time. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes FLCL: 6/25 Akane Recaps SAO Episode Five: 6/13 *** Today's Pimp of the Week is for Shark Jumping! On this underrated Youtube series, Tim and Beth analyze a popular TV show to see when it started going downhill. They get into the nitty gritty, going over the good and the bad (well, mostly the bad) in their search for the exact moment Seasonal Rot set in. It's funny and engaging at the same time, so go check it out. |
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Recaps Sword Butt Online Episode Five- Sex and Violence Part One
Last time on SAO: B***h: Muahaha! I'm a b***h! Silica: Yes you are! Screw this anime, I'm going home! Somewhere in the forest... Silica: Hi-yah! Take that, monsters! Pina is shot! The dragon turns into a feather! Silica: Oh no! Well, at least I won't be in this show any longer... Kirito: Not if I can help it! Take that, monsters! Silica: Dammit. Kirito: Anyway, I noticed your pet died. Wanna revive it? Silica: Hell yeah! Name's Silica. Who are you, and why'd you save me? Kirito: I'm Kirito. I'd do anything to save my little sister Suguha. Silica: But we met five minutes ago. I barely know you or...whoever that is. Kirito: Oh yeah. To the town! Silica: Anyway, do you wanna partner up? I've been stalked by pedophiles since this whole clusterf**k started and I need someone to protect me. Kirito: Um sure. B***h: I'm still a b***h! Silica: Go away forever. At the inn! Silica: I wonder what's up with her, anyway? Kirito: Some people just like playing the bad guy. Silica: Is that so? I thought people acted like jerks online because they don't have to suffer any consequences for being jerks. Kirito: Yeah, what you said, Suguha. Silica: It's still Silica. Narrator: I like butts. Silica: And now I'm in my underwear! Oh s**t, Kirito's coming in! I must be a pure waifu! Kirito: So here's where we are, and here's where- MY STU SENSES ARE TINGLING! Silica: A spy!? We're f**ked. Narrator: Our heroes make their way to the Hill of Memories! Silica: So tell me about this "Suguha" you've been calling me... Kirito: She's my cousin, but we were raised as siblings. She'd better not fall in love with me. Narrator: She will! Kirito: What will it take to get you to shut up!? MacGuffin Get! B***h: OHOHOHO! Did you know that I'm a b***h? Kirito: Did you know that I'm immortal? B***h: Oh really? Kirito: You'd be surprised what sort of things you can live through. Your ass is off to prison. Back at the inn! Kirito: So, yeah, I was using you for my own selfish purposes. Silica: That's okay. You're hot, so I have to forgive you. Kirito: This was all a waste of time wasn't it? Silica: Yeah... Well, here we are at "Murder in the Safe Zone". This is the episode that cemented one thing for me about this show. I. F**king. Hate. Kirito. He's a smug, whiny, selfish idiot who's way too overpowered, and this anime expects me to like him anyway because he's the hero. Saying I should like the main character because he's the main character is the writer's equivalent of "Because I said so." In other words, it's a poor excuse and I shall not stand for it. Anyway, this is a murder mystery two-parter. I'd rather be watching Case Closed. Let's get this over with. 
[You may have noticed that I've been drinking a lot...] *** Before we truly begin, I have something I must bring up. WHAT THE HELL IS THE PLOT OF AINCRAD!? Seriously, there is, like, no plot in this! The story so far is just Things Happening! Character X does this, Event Y happens, and then BUUUUUTTS. I swear that you can switch a lot of these episodes around, remove all references to the dates, and the average viewer wouldn't notice. The episode begins with the return of Asuna! I...actually like Asuna a bit in this episode. She reminds me a lot of Rin Tohsaka from the Fate Stay Night franchise, especially in her interactions with Kirito. And I liked Rin too! ...When are they going to screw her character over? Anyway, Asuna (now second-in-command) is planning an attack with her guild. Their current strategy is to lure the boss of their current floor right into the village. Kirito stupidly protests this, saying that the NPCs will be harmed. Before I can tell him how NPCs are just as immortal as him, Asuna shuts him up for me. And yet Kirito refuses to listen anyway. Moron. After the meeting, Agil (YAAAAAY) exposits that Kirito and Asuna don't really get along. We flashback to the dumb ending of Episode Two, and Kirito explains how Asuna became a member of one of the high ranking guilds. Kirito and Asuna are supposed to be the OTP of this anime, right? This is looking to be a really cliche-ridden 90s romance, ain't it? We then skip to one month later (see, Show, THIS is how you do a timeskip), where we see Kirito dozing off outside. Asuna then arrives and calls his lazy ass out. Kirito rebuffs her, but Asuna reminds him that, you know, they're hostages and they have lives outside of SAO. Kirito then says THIS: Kirito: Yeah, but right now, we're not in the real world, are we? We're in Aincrad. You know, Kirito, there are people other than you that exist. Perhaps you should acknowledge that simple fact. And f**k you. So Kirito talks about how nice the weather is, with Asuna wisely pointing out that it's always nice. Unfortunately, his stupid spreads because then ASUNA decides to take a break too. Kirito wakes up awhile later to see Asuna napping right next to him. A few passerbys than talk about how lazy they are. You brought this on yourself, dipsh*t. Kirito waits until early evening, when Asuna wakes up. She then realizes too late that his idiocy is contagious, almost shiving him with her sword before realizing she is above such silly things. Asuna then offers to treat Kirito to dinner on her part. Apparently, this is supposed to make them even. I don't know why. To this show's credit, they do explain why Asuna is doing this. At the restaurant, Asuna thanks Kirito for keeping an eye on her. The two then exposit on how the towns are supposed to be safe zones and that people are murdering other players by manipulating the duel system. This is just one big "As you know" dialogue, to the point where they stop just short of saying the phrase. Show, there is a way to make exposition natural and non-clunky. You have yet to learn this art. Suddenly, Asuna and Kirito hear a scream! The two rush out into town square, where they see a man both hanging and stabbed through with a spear. Our heroes try their best to save him, but it's too late. He dies, and Kirito realizes very quickly that he just witnessed a murder. We cut to inside the scene of the crime. Asuna and Kirito are now junior detectives, I see. And here's another sign of Kirito's Gary Stuness; his personality fluctuates depending on where you are in the story. He's a brooding angst machine one minute, a bland Prince Charming type the next, and here, he's a Great Detective. Kirito is only smart when the plot needs him to be smart. Otherwise, he's rock stupid. Asuna then forces Kirito to be the Dumb Watson to her (So far) Awesome Holmes. She lectures him once more about napping, to which he brings up about how she was napping earlier. Asuna rightfully tightly squeezes his hand for that bit of a-holery. Normally, I'd be against this violence, but Kirito has nobody to blame but himself. 
This is our first witness to the crime, Yoruko, voiced by newcomer Natalie Hoover. Yoruko exists. Anyway, Asuna asks her about the victim, who we find out was named Cainz and a member of Yoruko's guild. They were supposed to go out to dinner together until he was unceremoniously killed off. Anyway, I've been really ranty, so here's something I like. Asuna actually comforts Yoruko, who is obviously very traumatized at the sudden loss of her friend. It breathes a lot of humanity that Kirito himself desperately needs. I do feel like Asuna did this out of the kindness of her own heart, unlike with most of what Kirito does, which I feel he did because he had to. And then we get THIS: 
[Pictured: What I see when I have to watch another episode of this drivel.] All jokes aside, you may have noticed that this show likes lady butts. Finely detailed lady butts. This wouldn't be a bad thing, normally. I don't mind the female body, being a bisexual woman myself. Hell, I freaking love Kill la Kill, and that show is famous for its...creativity in regards to fanservice (oriented towards all genders, nonetheless). No, my problem isn't the fanservice itself. It's the use of the fanservice that bugs me. Did anyone want to see Yoruko's ass (TWICE, by the way) at this point? No. Was it warranted? Also no. There is no reason to have a butt in the viewer's face, except because someone on the staff wanted to see lady butts. I don't, not especially when that particular lady butt belongs to a grieving woman. Our heroes walk Yoruko back to her hotel. They decide that in order to get anything done, they need to find someone who can recognize where the murder weapon came from. Kirito continues to act like a d**k towards Asuna, which she justifiably does not like, considering she's, for all intents and purposes, his BOSS. Then Komedy ensues as Kirito asks Asuna about how he should address her. Ha. Kirito asks his boss about if she knows anyone who can recognize the weapon, to which Asuna states that yes, she does. However, her friend is very busy, which means they probably aren't going to have the time to meet with her. Fortunately, Kirito knows someone who can help with their investigation. They make their way to a humble shop, where we get AGIL! 
Agil and Kirito are all buddy-buddy when suddenly, the former freaks out at the sight of his former boss. He asks Kirito why she's here when he's supposed to be solo. Asuna makes an awkard face at this particular nonsense. Trust me, Asuna, I know your pain. We cut to our heroes showing Agil the murder weapon. Turns out the spear that was used to kill Cainz was self-made and a custom item. Apparently, it was made by someone named Grimlock, and it's called "Guilty Thorn". Kirito decides to test it out, and Asuna stops him (because she thinks he's Too Dumb to Live), and we get another annoying shot of BUUUUUUUUTT. The scene ends with Asuna giving the spear to Agil for safekeeping. We then cut to the next day, I think, where we see our heroes interrogating Yoruko once more. Asuna asks her if she's familiar with the name of Grimlock. Yoruko says yes, stating he was another member of her guild. Kirito informs her that he was the creator of the murder weapon, which shocks her. Yoruko then admits that she could see him killing Cainz, and thus we get Backstory Time! See, Yoruko used to be part of a guild called The Golden Apple. For some odd reason, everyone except Yoruko and Grimlock are portrayed as white silhouettes. Anyhoo, six months earlier, The Golden Apple killed a monster which dropped an item that increased agility by twenty. They debated over whether or not they should keep the item, to which over half the members agreed to sell it. Their leader, named Grizelda, went off on her own to sell it, only to disappear and die. Our heroes then deduce that someone in the guild must have murdered Grizela. They ask Yoruko more about Grimlock, to which she explains that he was her in-game husband. Yoruko then has nothing but kind things to say about them. And then she says that if Grimlock is the killer, then he must be going after the people who voted against it. The other two who voted against it were Yoruko and someone named Schmitt. Okay, so, um, if Grimlock did commit this crime, what would he have to gain? We're never given a possible reason as to why he would kill former members of his guild. He ain't the killer, right? If the show says yes, I will probably go crazy. We are far away from Case Closed right now, people. Asuna and Kirito then decide to head off to the HQ of someone who's in the same alliance with Schmitt. We get some more boring deduction and okay. I will admit that I'm not a huge fan of the mystery genre. I'm the type of person who tends not to pay attention to these sort of dialogues. With that said, I'm going to need a fan of detective dramas to tell me if these scenes are Bat Deductions or not. Thanks. We cut to the HQ, where Yoruko has decided to tag along for some reason. Schmitt's there, and he understandably freaks out at the idea that someone he knew killed a friend of his. Schmitt then wonders why the hell Grimlock would wait to perform the murderer. He even brings up how stupid the possible motive he has is. I cherish the little sanity there is in this sea of tripe. Then Yoruko reveals that she's caught the Dumbass virus from Kirito. She speculates that maybe Grizelda came back as a ghost, and that this was all a revenge scheme from her leader beyond the grave. Look, I can understand this sort of freak out, but this is ridiculous. There's even some cliche horror line shots of Yoruko going crazy, and I just can't take this seriously, guys. And then, in the middle of her and Schmitt's freaking out, Yoruko dies. Specifically, she gets knived in the back. Wait, what do you mean, she's not dead? She's freaking dead! We saw her disentegrate like every other dead player so far! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE DOESN'T DIE!? Ugh, cue cliffhanger ending. 
[Somebody save me from this stupidity...] *** Positives, positives...at least Asuna was awesome for a bit. We had Agil's amazingness, also for a bit. Other than that, AAAARGH. Kirito is insufferable, the fanservice is annoying, the mystery isn't intriguing, and I'm just wondering what sort of padding is coming next. Stay tuned for the (most-likely dumb) conclusion. At least I have Ben and Jerry's to make my suffering evaporate. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes FLCL - 6/25 Akane Recaps SBO Episode Six- 6/15 Credit goes to Incorrect SAO Quotes for use of images for this post. |
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Gina Szanboti
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What is that? Sounds like fun.
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Recaps Sword Butt Online Episode Six- Sex and Violence Part Two
Last time on SAO: Asuna: So anyway, we lure the boss to the village, and- Kirito: But the villagers! Asuna: The villagers can't die, idiot. Shut the f**k up because I'm your boss. Agil: You two really hate each other, don't you? Kirito: Yeah. We're totally not going to be in love later on. Nope. Narrator: Yup. Kirito: I hate you too, you know. One month later, in a field... Kirito: What lovely weather we're having today. Asuna: Kirito, this isn't real. Kirito: But it's so nice... Asuna: Oh my god, people are dying, dumbass. Kirito: Calm down, would you? Asuna: Fine, I think I wiiiiiii...zzzzz. Later! Asuna: Dammit. Okay, moron, I'm taking you out to dinner. But that's it! Narrator: Our heroes go out to eat! Asuna: Thanks for watching me sleep and stuff. As You Know, there have been murders going around in the Safe Zones. Kirito: As YOU Know, they've been manipulating the duel system to murder people. Yoruko: EEK! A MURDER! Our Heroes: HOLY SH*T! To the scene of the crime! Asuna: Investigating! Kirito: Also investigating! Yoruko: So anyway, that was my friend who died. Narrator: I LIKE BUUUUUUUUTTS! Asuna: Here's the murder weapon. Let's find someone who can recognize it. To Agil's Shop! Agil: Hmm...this was made by someone named Grimlock. Kirito: Lemme try it. Asuna: YOU IDIOT! Narrator: I still like BUUUUUUTTS! Asuna: So, Yoruko, do you know who Grimlock is? He made the weapon that killed your friend. Yoruko: Oh, him? He's my dead guild leader's husband. Also, we fought over this ring, and now I think he's trying to kill those who wanted to keep it for reasons. Our Heroes: Still investigating! At a Headquarters! Kirito: So, don't freak out, but somebody might wanna kill you. Schmitt: FREAKING OUT! Yoruko: ALSO FREAKING OUT! Knife! Yoruko: Ow. Well, better late than never, right? I mean, I did need some time to recuperate from having to watch this series. I read Yotsuba&!, watched a few Monster episodes, bought the Hamilton OST (best eighteen dollars ever spent), and drank a ton of coffee. Anyway, "Illusionary Avenger" continues the stupid parade quite a bit. It's revealed here that the only way this mystery could have happened is by having everyone hold the Idiot Ball. If anyone in this show had two IQ points to rub together, this mystery would not exist. What's even sadder is that this two-parter is the SECOND best episode so far. Yeah. 
[An essential part of any bad anime viewing. Or good. Or anytime, really.] *** The episode picks up right from where the last episode ended, with Yoruko being knived in the back and falling to her Not!death. Kirito rushes to the window, only to see a Mysterious Cloaked Person on the rooftops. He decides to pursue the MCP, leaving Asuna to guard Schmitt (who I forgot to mention is voiced by Kaiji Tang). Kirito attempts to catch the MCP, they reveal they have a teleportation device on them and escapes. I will give the show credit and say that this chase scene is fluidly animated. Kirito heads back to headquarters, where Asuna lectures him for running off. Schmitt then confesses that the robe that the MCP was wearing used to belong to Grizelda. He then continues to freak out about her ghost coming back to avenge them. What she could possibly avenge is not explained, and would probably make no sense anyway. We cut to that night, where our heroes wonder who the MCP could possibly be. Kirito explains that it can't be a ghost, since they can't use teleport crystals. Before he can reach a conclusion, Teh Stoopids take over and he dismisses the obvious. But I'll get to that when I get to that. Asuna then hands Kirito his dinner sandwich. This...is actually a pretty nice moment on Asuna's part. It shows that despite everything, she does care about those under her wings. She even made the sandwiches herself. *looks at Fairy Dance* This is going to be so painful... Suddenly, Kirito drops his dinner on the floor, and it vanishes. 
[RIP Sandwich. At least you no longer had to be in Sword Butt Online.] Kirito takes a while to mourn his sandwich, and admittedly, this is a pretty funny moment in a sea of Komedy. Then, suddenly, he reaches a breakthrough! He figured it out! Turns out the big murder mystery was just a mystery! There was no murder after all. I'll be jumping ahead a bit, but Yoruko and Cainz never died. Their deaths were faked! Okay, first of all, I would like to give this story a bit of credit for a creative idea. I like the idea of a no-murder murder mystery. It's a creative twist to a story that's been told for centuries. I really wanted to like this more than I actually did. No, my problem is not with the mystery itself, but with how it was executed. So, we have been in SAO for over a year. And...nobody thought to try this at first? Nobody tried to kill someone in the safe zone earlier? Nobody realized there was a way to check if someone was truly dead? Like I said earlier, this plot could only happen because EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER was a freaking idiot. Once again, this show has a talent for taking interesting plot threads and characters, then refusing to use them to their full potential. And that's sad. 
[I feel you, buddy.] So, we cut to Schmitt at Grizelda's grave, feeling very guilty for her death and apologizing for it. Suddenly, we hear the sound of a female voice saying "O rly?". (No, I'm being serious here.) He looks back, only to see a cute little rabbit thing. But then suddenly, it's the MCP! MCP demands that Schmitt tell her what he did to Grizelda, whom MCP is pretending to be. He blabs that someone gave him a crystal and instructions to have Grizelda's room be accessable. Another MCP (this time, male) interrogates Schmitt on the identity of the note writer/ killer, to which the latter admits that he doesn't know. Yep, turned out he was forced to become an accomplice to Grizelda's murder. 'Kay then. Then the MCPs reveal that they were Yoruko and Cainz the entire time! We cut to Kirito explaining how the two managed to fake their murders. This still raises the question of how nobody noticed their HP levels dropping and whatnot, but I already complained about that. And here's another thing; why does Kirito have to be the one to solve the mystery? Why can't Asuna have more than just three lines explaining How Dunnit? Anyway, after Kirito decides there's no more mystery, we cut to Yoruko and Cainz (voiced by Kyle Hebert) in the woods with Schmitt. Suddenly, A Giant Space Flea From Nowhere! Okay, okay, turns out there's these guys from a guild called The Laughing Coffin. I have heard that they are important later on. But...why introduce them like this? It feels like a Big Lipped Alligator Moment, even when I know it technically isn't. Before anything can happen, Kirito storms in and saves the day (methinks his Stu Senses were tingling). The Laughing Coffin guys retreat because Stu, and after some talk, Schmitt asks Kirito how he knew the Giant Space Fleas From Nowhere would come and attack. Kirito says he didn't, saying he was acting on a hunch. So, Stu Senses. Got it. 
["F**k this, I'm outta here." "Let's go marathon Case Closed and eat pizza."] We then learn that Yoruko and Cainz asked Grimlock to forge the weapons, and that he himself wasn't part of the plan. Kirito then explains why and stop. How could you possibly know what Grimlock's motivation was if you haven't met him? This is so contrived and stupid. Because Stu. Then there's a flashback to Kirito and Asuna drinking tea at the cafe. Both are speculating over what they'd do if they were in the Golden Apple's situation. Asuna explains that in her guild whoever killed the monster gets the item. She also brings up that the marriage mechanic means that all items must be shared. She remarks on how pragmatic and romantic it is, and then Komedy ensues as Kirito asks her on how many times she married. Ha. Ha. Suddenly, Kirito has another epiphany on the case. Since Grizelda and Grimlock were married, they shared their items. Since Grizelda's death, everything she owned went to her husband. Who arranged her death himself. Okay, I confess that this is actually a bit clever. Kudos. The group realizes they were all manipulated by Grimlock, and that he was the one who hired the Laughing Coffin (okay, I take back what I said about the BLAM moment, are you happy, Show?). Asuna then arrives, with Grimlock (voiced by the amazing Matthew Mercer) at swordpoint. He reveals that he murdered Grizelda because he felt he had no choice. He also confesses that they were husband-and-wife in both SAO and the real world. We learn that before the hostage situation, the two were happily married in that good ol' 50s way, with her being submissive waifu. But after they were trapped in the game, she changed. Grimlock was scared and terrified, and Grizelda (or, Yuuko, as he calls her) took charge. So, he murdered her because he's a Chauvinist Pig. Fine, Show, I'll accept that. Asuna is Awesome as she points out how utterly awful Grimlock is as a human being. Cainz and Schmitt then tell Kirito that his work is done, and everyone but our heroes leave. Morning comes, and the two ponder over today's moral and this would normally be nice except for the aforementioned Idiot Plot. The episode ends with an appearance of Ghost Grizelda (or was it?), and with Kirito and Asuna heading back to work, now a little closer than before. *** Thoughts? Look, I believed these ideas were good, I really did! I liked these concepts and I wanted to see them used properly! Asuna, of course, is really awesome in this two-parter. But the plot was written by monkeys, given that it hinges on everyone participating having only two brain cells. And that's not even getting into my newly-found hatred for Kirito. He's probably my least favorite protagonist in any anime I've ever seen. You see why I had to take an unscheduled break? I'll see you soon, I hope. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes FLCL- 6/26 Akane Recaps SBO Episode Seven- 6/19 |
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Zin5ki
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Now now! If you are going to ply your trade using Python references, a modicum of subtlety is called for. 
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Recaps Sword Butt Online Episode Seven- HRA Queen Lisbeth I
Last time on SAO: Knive! Yoruko: Ow. Kirito: HOLY SH*T! MCP: I'm a Mysterious Cloaked Person! You can't catch me! Kirito: Yes I can! Poof! Kirito: Dammit. Narrator: Our heroes are still investigating! Asuna: I wonder what's up with that teleport crystal MCP had. Kirito: Me too. Anyway, I'm starving. Asuna: Here. Have a sandwich. I made it out of my own sweat, blood and tears. Kirito: Mmm...your bodily fluids are delicious. Asuna: Oh my god, I didn't mean it literally you idio- Kirito: NO MY ASUNA SANDWICH~ The sandwich poofs out. Kirito: NOOOOOOOO wait I think I solved the mystery. Nobody's dead! Asuna: They aren't? Kirito: Yoruko and Cainz are alive! Asuna: Lemme think...we were all morons to fall for it, weren't we? Narrator: You were! Kirito: I WILL KILL YOU, WHOEVER YOU AR- Somewhere in the forest... Schmitt: Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap! MCP: "Oh crap" is right. Now confess your sins before I kick your ass. Schmitt: I ACCIDENTALLY HELPED MY LEADER'S KILLER please don't kill me. Yoruko and Cainz: Alright, we won't. Laughing Coffin: But we will! Kirito: Not on my watch! Laughing Coffin: Screw this anime! We're going home! Schmitt: How did you know we were in trouble? Kirito: My Stu senses were tingling again. Also, we know who killed your leader. Asuna: And he's right here. You got anything to say, Grimlock? Grimlock: Twas I who arranged my wife's death! She wasn't being a Good Little Wimmins anymore! I had no choice! Asuna: You sexist b*****d! Narrator: And so everything sort of went back to normal. Okay, so bare with me. I was surprised by Episode Seven, "The Temperature of the Heart". As in, this was unexpectedly...almost good. 
No, this episode wasn't good, nor even really okay. Still, it was almost there. Lisbeth's amazing existence was THIS CLOSE to saving the episode. If it wasn't for our infuriating White Bread hero, it would have easily been the best episode of the series so far. What do I mean? Allow me to explain. *** We open on a shot of a cottage. Inside is Her Royal Awesomeness, working on a sword. 
This is Lisbeth, voiced by then-newcomer Sarah Williams. Lisbeth, as you may have guessed by the alternative title, is The Best. The fact that she's in this episode makes me very happy. I mean, I know there are people who hate this show and love Lisbeth, and I see why. There's nothing to dislike about her! Anyway, it turns out that Lisbeth is one of Asuna's good friends, and the sword she was working on belonged to the latter. Okay, let me get one thing out of the way. I think Lisbeth and Asuna's relationship is a lot more developed that Lisbeth and Kirito's, and I like the interactions between the two girls. Oh, I forgot to mention that Lisbeth becomes yet another member of the Kirito Fan Club. Can you say, "Strangled by the Red String"? The two chat, with Lisbeth quickly catching on that Asuna's in lurv. After Asuna leaves, Lisbeth ponders to herself on whether she'll find her own One True Love Here's another thing I really like in this episode. The character animation is unusually stunning and fluid, particularly the part where Lisbeth teases Asuna about her boo. A-1 Pictures obviously put in a lot of effort on their part, and I can appreciate that. 
[I'm not entirely convinced she's straight, though...] We cut to a short time later, where Lisbeth is getting to ready to greet a customer. Of course, it's *grits teeth* Kirito who's come to buy some things from Her Awesomeness. Okay, so I recently watched a few episodes of SAO Abridged, which is hilarious. In that series, Kirito is the biggest d****bag in all history. Let's just say the creators weren't entirely wrong in making him that way, since in this episode, our hero's non-personality is Jerk. He constantly acts rude towards Lisbeth, and yet she falls in love with him anyway because she has breasts, I think. Anyhoo, Kirito has come because he wants the best sword Lisbeth has. He hands her his sword, which Lisbeth is impressed by because Stu, and even calls it "gnarly". She shows Kirito her best sword, which he then shatters while he uses it to test its durability. Understandably, Her Royal Awesomeness freaks out. I feel you, buddy. Lisbeth is now royally p****d off at this guy who walked in and shattered her magnum opus into non-existence. Kirito acts like a d**k (UGH), and Lisbeth forces him to help her make a brand new sword for him like the awesomeness she is. The two will have to make a journey to the mountains, where they can find a rare metal drop. Of course, they need a blacksmith to accompany Kirito, and what a coinky-dink, Lisbeth just so happens to fit the description. We then cut to the mountain pass, where Lisbeth is unlucky enough not to have anything warm with her because it's colder than Antarctica. Kirito hands a coat over to her, then continues to be incredibly rude because of course he is. Okay, Show, I think you're trying to make Kirito witty or something. You're failing really hard right now. Higher up, Lisbeth is stunned by the amazing Scenery Porn. Kirito condescends to Lisbeth, telling her that he'll handle the dragon who lives there. Lisbeth call him out on it, but then our "hero" yells at her to do what he says. Why am I supposed to like this guy again? Oh, right, because he's a nerd, just like me. Bleh. Suddenly, Lisbeth hears the dragon. Kirito tells her to get cover, and then we see a giant CGI dragon (ugh, Deen flashbacks). Kirito battles it, and Her Awesomeness is impressed because Stu. Suddenly, the battle takes a turn for the worse, and then Kirito and Lisbeth fall down a hole, straight into a snowy pit. 
[What's this, you ask? A reminder that there are good things in the world.] So the two wake up later at the bottom of the hole. Teleport crystals don't work, and after Kirito stupidly tries to run up the wall, he and Lisbeth realize they are stuck for the night. Later, Her Awesomeness asks Kirito why he bothered to save her, to which he responds, "I can't just sit back and watch someone die. I'd rather die alongside them than do nothing, especially if that someone's a girl like you, Liz." After treating her like crap, you say this. How sappy. Of course, Lisbeth falls for that treacle, and she asks Kirito to hold her hand. Remember when I mentioned the "Strangled by the Red String" trope earlier? Yeah, after all of Kirito's cruddy behavior towards her, Lisbeth just falls in love with him. We can't have a teenage girl who doesn't have the hots for our self-insert! Gag me with a spoon. The next morning, Lisbeth wakes up to see Kirito digging in the snow. Because Stu Powers, our hero has manged to find the exact metal needed to make his sooper dooper sword. There's a brief gross-out gag where Kirito casually mentions that the metal is dragon poop. Ha. Lisbeth then realizes that since they landed inside a dragon's nest, and the fact that dragons in this game are nocturnal, they're both screwed. The Great CGI Dragon storms in, and Kirito uses his stupid rock running skills to hitch a ride. The two leap off as soon as The Great CGI Dragon flies out, and Lisbeth is amazed by even more Scenery Porn. The scene ends with Her Awesomeness declaring her love for our White Bread protagonist, though he can't hear her over the sound of them falling for hours, We cut back to Lisbeth's place, where we see her forging Kirito's sooper dooper sword. Of course, it is amazing, and Kirito doesn't even have to pay for it because Stu. Instead, Lisbeth makes a deal with him to be his exclusive blacksmith. Before Her Awesomeness can declare her love again, Asuna rushes in, and I am immediately reminded of how much better the girl's bond is. Lisbeth realizes very quickly that Kirito and Asuna are the show's OTP, crushing her soul to pieces. Asuna was the one who directed our hero to this shop, and the two argue a bit more because this is a cliche 90's romance. Despite her heart being shattered, Lisbeth is completely supportive of her best friend's relationship and wait. Wait just a minute here! A girl with unusually-colored short hair...voiced by Sarah Williams...who's in love with a guy who ends up dating her best friend...and she works with swords... 
[Please stop reminding me of better anime I could be watching right now.] We cut to Lisbeth sulking underneath a bridge because she doesn't have a One Twu Wub like Asuna does. Kirito finds her, and after some chatter, thanks her. They give us the moral of the story, and Lisbeth returns to her cheerful self. The episode ends with a shot of Her Awesomeness smiling once more. *** So there's this kid you know. He really likes running, but he also happens to not be very good at it. One day, you go to this relay race to support this kid, and you see him trying his hardest and almost succeeding. But just as he's a few meters away from the finishing line, he trips over a stray rock and lands flat on his face. The other runners speed past him, and the kid places last once more. That's what watching this episode feels like. On one hand, Lisbeth is freaking awesome. I loved seeing her onscreen, and she's easily the second best character in this series (first will always be Klein). But Kirito is the one who drags the entire story down. I cannot stand him at all, and if it weren't for how awful he was during the episode, this could have been really good. Oh well. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes FLCL- 6/26 Akane Recaps SBO Episode 8- 6/22 |
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Akane Recaps Sword Butt Online Episode Eight- Romantic Plot Tumor
Last time on SAO: Lisbeth: La la, doing my job~ Asuna: Thanks for working on my sword. Lisbeth: Aw, it's nothing! By the way, are you in love? Asuna: What makes you say that? Lisbeth: The script here said you were. Asuna: Um, I have to go wash...my curtains, bye. Lisbeth: If only I had A Man to complete me. Kirito: DID SOMEONE SAY MAN!? Lisbeth: Dammit. Kirito: So, I need a new sword. You got any? Lisbeth: Gnarly blade. Here's my magnum opus. You'd better not break it or else I'll- Kirito breaks the sword anyway. Lisbeth: Well, f**k you too. Now you have to help me make a new one. Kirito: Fine. I think we have to go to these mountains with this rare metal or something. Lisbeth: Great! I can do some mountain climbing. Narrator: Somewhere in the mountains! Lisbeth: I am so f**king cold right now. Kirito: Take my coat. B***h. Lisbeth: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL M- GCD: I AM THE GREAT CGI DRAGON! WATCH ME KICK YOUR SORRY BUTTS. Kirito and Lisbeth: F**K! Fighting ensues! Kirito: Oh no! A giant hole! Kirito and Lisbeth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Later... Lisbeth: Where the hell are we? Kirito: I think we're in a pit. Lisbeth: Thanks, Captain Obvious. I couldn't have figured it out without you. Kirito: Why, thank you, Liz. Narrator: She was being sarcastic! Kirito: Seriously, who are you!? Later that night! Lisbeth: So anyway, why'd you save me back there? Kirito: Because I have a huge hero complex. Lisbeth: I find that hot, even if your personality is abhorrent! Narrator: The next morning! Kirito: Found the metal. Man, that was easy! Lisbeth: Oh no! The Great CGI Dragon! GCD: ROOOOOOOAR! Kirito hops on the GCD, draping Lisbeth over his shoulder. Lisbeth: Don't jump! Kirito: Jump!? Okay! WEEEEEE! Lisbeth: I think you're sexually attractive! Kirito: WHAT!? CAN'T HEAR YOU! Back at Lisbeth's place! Lisbeth: Here's your dumb sword. Don't bother giving me cash. Asuna: Oh my god, are you okay!? Did My Man hurt you!? Lisbeth: Your Man? Fuuuuuuuu... Somewhere in town... Lisbeth: ...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... Kirito: Hey, Liz. Anyway, thanks for the sword. Lisbeth: Yeah, no problem...a-hole. "The Sword Dance of Black and White" is really, really zzzzzz. As in, it's a slog to get through and nothing interesting really happens if you aren't invested in this stupid romance between Asuna and White Bread. There's nothing to rage about or laugh at. It's just a dull, dull thing. And plenty of fans agreed! What do I mean by that? Let's get through this piece of zzzzzzzzzz. *** The episode begins with an action scene. Okay, I have to give more credit to A-1 Pictures because the backgrounds are drop-dead gorgeous. I wasn't able to find a picture, but trust me, it's beautiful. Anyway, after defeating the monster, Kirito exposits that it's been almost two years since the beginning, and how he's still solo (and still rock stupid because he should be dead by now), and that Kayaba is out there. We then cut to the middle of a forest, where we see Kirito wandering about. Suddenly, a ragout rabbit catches his attention, and with two lucky shots, Kirito catches it. Because Stu must have rare items. Kirito then goes to Agil's place, where the latter is impressed at the former's catch. The two then talk about whether or not to sell or keep it and zzzzz. Okay, here's the big problem of the episode. THERE'S. NO. CONFLICT. Say what you will about the previous episodes, but at least they had some sort of problem that needed to be solved by the end! This? It's about a f**king rabbit. Riveting. Suddenly, Asuna comes in with her bodyguard, voiced by Doug Erholtz. Her bodyguard has a name, but I don't care about that. Instead, I am calling him Villainous Plot Device, or VPD, because the only point he has is to be an obstacle for Kirito to overcome. 
[See? VPD in action.] A lightbulb flashes inside Kirito's empty head, and he realizes that Asuna can make dinner for him. She, meanwhile, has come to fetch him because the next boss raid is happening soon. Kirito enquires about Asuna's cooking skills, and luckily, she's maxed it out already. There's more prattle about the stupid rabbit, and I am just about to fall asleep at this excitement. Afterwards, Asuna catches on that Kirito isn't going to have the means to cook a rabbit. So she invites him over to her house for dinner, because they are in love now, I guess. Asuna attempts to dismiss VPD, but he insists on staying and honestly? I'm on his side! He sure as hell isn't going to let his boss go off alone with some stranger. Asuna continues to try to shake off VPD, but then we get more of this Beater nonsense that hasn't really been a thing since Episode Two or something like that. Yeah, the Beater plot point is really stupid too, and exists to give Kirito a victim complex. Anyway, Asuna FINALLY tells VPD to f**k off, and she and Kirito head back to her house. After that, we get more beautiful artwork as Kirito and Asuna are walking to her place. Kirito wonders what's up with VPD, and Asuna explains that since she's a higher-up, the new rules say she has to have a bodyguard with her. She reminisces about how small her guild was before dismissing her current situation as "no big deal". That sure wasn't boring or anything. Okay, so before I begin repeating myself, I should bring up the fandom reaction. Thing is, not everyone was here for the Kirito/Asuna romance. A good chunk of fans just wanted the action and excitement. So when the show decided it wanted to focus on Wub, they got upset very quickly. Romance is a very, very, very, VERY difficult thing to write. Not everyone's been in a relationship, and lots of viewers just don't find it interesting in comparison to everything else a show can offer. There are exceptions, such as the infamous shippers, but it's the norm to not really give a damn about who is kissing who. This romance so far is not well written or compelling, especially since I actively hate one half of the OTP. 
[Obnoxious twit.] We cut to Asuna's digs, which turn out to have cost quite a lot of cash. She changes into an actually nice outfit, and we get some dumb romantic banter. We then FINALLY get to the preparation of the f**king rabbit. Asuna mentions that cooking in SAO is "quite boring", which sums my feelings on this episode. After that bit of nothing concerning dinner prep, we cut to after the meal. Asuna and Kirito discuss how it seems as if they've lived their whole lives in SAO, and that other people have stopped caring about escape. Hey, look, potential thematic ideas! That are probably never going to be used. *sob* Anyway, Asuna mentions that she wants to escape, and Kirito blandly goes along with it. There's more romantic bullsh*t between them, until Kirito mentions he's still a solo player. Asuna is disturbed at hearing this, and reminds Her Man that, you know, he can't keep up this too-dumb-to-live nonsense. When Kirito brushes her concerns off AND insults party members, Asuna points a knife at him, awesomely reminding him to shut the f**k up. *looks at Fairy Dance again* Whhhyyyyyyy... Asuna then invites Kirito to party up with her. He once again stupidly protests this, only for Asuna to go ahead and send him a formal invitation. When Kirito states how dangerous the front lines are, Asuna once more points her knife at his face for his stupid sexism. This is what finally convinces him to join up with her. Afterwards, the two go out and chat for a bit. Following the standard thank yous, Kirito philosophizes once more about SAO and Kayaba. And...that's the scene. You see what I'm working with, people!? This episode is just so mind-numbingly BORING. It sucks the joy out of me and makes me feel empty! 
[Huh...what was I talking about again?] The next morning (I think), Kirito waits in the plaza for Asuna. Suddenly, she hops out of a portal and lands on Kirito. More specifically, her boobs get right in his face. Komedy ensues as Kirito feels a breast for the first time and Asuna slaps him across the plaza. Just a reminder that the original story was written in the wake of Love Hina! Shortly after that lame humor, VPD appears. Asuna then reveals that VPD was lurking around her place earlier that morning. He points out that, you know, it's his JOB to guard her and all. Look, Show, this whole Ron the Death Eater shtick is really stupid. I recommend you stop it. Just as VPD attempts to take Asuna back to headquarters, Kirito stops him, saying he'll be his waifu's bodyguard from now on. VPD is rightfully p****d off, and he challenges our boring hero to a duel. With Asuna's reassurance, Kirito accepts VPD's invitation. The two then battle, or rather, Kirito curb-stomps VPD in one move. The whole duel, by the way, lasts for ninety seconds. Ahem. If I can borrow a gag from the Unshaved Mouse for a bit... 
[BUUUUUUULLSH***************T!] No! No! This is stupid! I refuse to accept that Kirito can just easily defeat someone like that! YOUR REALITY IS STUPID! STUPID! Anyway, just as VPD attempts to attack Kirito again, Asuna steps in. She then does what she should have done earlier and fires VPD. VPD then sulks off, and according to TV Tropes, he'll be back even more evil than before. Asuna and Kirito then chat a bit more, and Asuna decides to take a day off from her guild on Her Man's suggestion. We cut back to MOAR SCENERY PORN WAHOO, and Asuna's amazing leitmotif. I have to admit that this battle between Asuna and the monster is really well animated. It's fluid and fast-paced, and if all the action scenes were like this, I would be complaining less. This snoozefest ends with our heroes finding the boss room, and the two of them deciding to take a peek before being confronted by the boss. *** This is dull. Really, really dull. There's not much real conflict, and what little there is is resolved too easily. I can't stand Kirito, and not even Asuna is enough to save the episode. It's just so...opposite of entertaining. This post was so hard to write, and part of it is because there's almost NOTHING going on! It's just inconsequential scene after inconsequential scene. ARGH. NEXT TIME: Akane Analyzes FLCL- 6/26 Akane Recaps Sword Butt Online Episode Nine- 6/27 *** IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT So, you guys know that soon, me and my family are going to be moving back to the US. Well, we finally have the house, and we bought the tickets. Turns out we're moving earlier than I thought we were. As in, we're leaving for the airport late on August 2. You're probably wondering what that means for this thread. Well, both of my series are going to be on a temporary hiatus a short time before and after The Big Move. Feel free to discuss any past topic during that time. I'll try to post as much as I can before I go, so don't worry about me! I'll be back before you know it! See you later! |
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Akane the Catgirl
Posts: 1091 Location: LA, Baby! |
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Important Update (and apology)
Hey, guys, I- 
[WHERE WERE YOU!?] ...anyway, you may have noticed a lack of updates very recently. This is because Real Life happened and...I'm sorry. I have no excuses for my lateness. If there's anything Paranoia Agent taught me, it's that I shouldn't try to brush off my problems. I admit it. One thing kept piling up after another, and I have nobody to blame but myself. 
[I could blame this twit- and I really wanted to- but I shan't.] So, what does this mean? I'll be posting my recap of Sword Art Online's ninth episode tomorrow, and my Beginner's Guide to FLCL on Saturday. I am so sorry if I worried any of you, but at least you know I didn't die in the past week. So...everybody wins? Thank you for putting up with me and I'll see you very soon. Take care. |
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