by Nicholas Dupree,
How would you rate episode 5 of
Welcome everyone to another fantastical, splendorous episode of EX-ARM, the sci-fi sensation that's sweeping every developed nation on the planet, ravaging what we once thought were the limits of genre fiction. This week we're being treated to yet more glorious and groundbreaking creativity as we delve into the innermost depths of our hero Akira's mind. This is a tried-and-true staple of speculative fiction, imagining a way to truly grasp one's mind and learn more about ourselves, but EX-ARM once again proves to be light years ahead of the curve, revitalizing what should in all other circumstances feel cliché, and crafting an exuberant, wondrous, breathtaking look into the very nature of human consciousness.
Alright y'all by this point I'm pretty sure editorial is just rubber-stamping these things, so that opening paragraph should have thrown them off.** I'm gonna level with you. I didn't pay much attention to this episode. I think I got like halfway through it before it was time for kickoff at the Superbowl. I'm actually watching the game as I write this. Right now the Buccaneers are at the Chiefs' redzone and damn close to scoring their second touchdown that they frankly haven't earned. Like did you SEE that BS unnecessary roughness call on Jones? Jensen was obviously the instigator there! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised the NFL would toss another garbage call to benefit Tom Brady. At least it's not another god damn tuck rule. Still, Andy Reid needs to figure out this defense fast or they're going to get slaughtered.
Oh wait, okay, actually the Chiefs just stopped them on like the 1-yard line. That's not exactly great field position but at least it kept points off the board. Now there's a commercial for Bud Light Seltzer Lemonade and god that just sounds terrible. Like Bud Light's not bad enough on its own? Anyway, I know Mahomes can work some magic in this game but they have to get their O-line in order to give him time, because otherwise this is going to be embarrassing. Still, if anyone can out bull-shit Touchdown Tom it's this crew, so I'm hopeful. More hopeful than I am for the halftime show, anyway. I know most folks are big on The Weeknd but honestly I've never been that big on him. “Blinding Lights” is like a 6 out of 10 track at best.
Anyway EX-ARM this week is about some stupid-ass lotus-eater VR dream thing that I stopped paying attention to shortly after they failed to actually animate a truck that was supposed to disappear before it hits Alma. So yes they have to imply that a truck – which isn't there because they just couldn't figure it out, I guess – disappears. They do this by playing car noises and shaking the camera before having Minami tell us that the truck disappeared. Brilliant. Beautiful. Sublime. It's even more non-existent than the FUCKING REFS' EYEBALLS RIGHT NOW. HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT PASS INTERFERENCE? THE GUY WASN'T CATCHING THAT BALL IF HE STRETCHED OUT LIKE JORDAN IN SPACE JAM.
To hell with it. It's half time and this game has been a parade of blind zebras, so let's wrap this up. All of y'all play cool in the comments, capiche? If you want to talk about the game just use spoiler tags or something, the mods aren't gonna bother policing this thing anyhow. Don't blow my cover, okay?
In conclusion: EX-ARM is such a blisteringly unique and poignant piece of art that it retroactively went back in time and shot Vincent van Gogh itself, because it knew he would never be able to surpass it no matter how long he lived.
**Bold assumption, Dupree.
EX-ARM is currently streaming on Crunchyroll.
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