Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind has started to shine in all its gory glory now that King Crimson is after Giorno and his friends. This week, Nick and Micchy steel their stomachs for a deep dive into the show's escalating brutality.
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Well Nick, since the last time we checked up on our glamorous mafia boys, they'd just betrayed their boss. Now they have a huge target on their backs, but I think they've demonstrated enough awareness of Jojo's logic to recognize an enemy stand user when one turns up. I'm sure they'll be fine--
Oh. Oh no, you can't just get on a plane, no Bruno...!
Bucciarati is about to learn the hardest lesson in Jojo's canon. If he wasn't already a walking corpse after King Crimson, I'd say it would cost him his life.
Luckily, there are other people in his posse he can get killed! Like everyone's favorite piss-for-brains son.
Though now that I think of it, can we really consider them alive when half their bodies are now random objects that Giorno stuck into their wounds? It's a real Ship of Theseus situation.
Yeah Giorno's kinda turned into the team's White Mage this arc, and boy have they needed the help. Apparently Araki took the whole "Giorno can replace body parts" thing as an opportunity to ramp up Jojo's body horror from its usual 8/10 to a god damn 11.
And our poor son Narancia's been hit the worst! Like before he got eaten by John Carpenter's The Thing, he had to deal with getting literally tongue-tied by these Sweatin' To The Oldies motherfuckers.
With any other character in the cast, the conflict in the Talking Head/Crash fight would be resolved pretty easily, as the victim finds a way to communicate the opposite of whatever they're forced to say, but unfortunately Narancia's a goddamn idiot who almost none of the gang takes seriously.
It also requires everyone be terrible at recognizing
Yeah I was gonna say, it's a shame the gang are all huge assholes.
Honestly, I've long accepted that everyone in Jojo's is an obtuse moron when it comes to anything but supernatural combat, so it's par for the course that everyone but Giorno just stands around staring at their wine glasses while Narancia fights a toilet shark.
Though I do have to call out Leone "Piss Tea" Abbacchio for being a total hypocrite when Narancia asks him to come to the bathroom with him.
Piss aside, I am glad Narancia got another fight, and that he managed to win by outsmarting somebody! Granted, that only worked because his opponents got too horny for each other, but I'll take it as a sign that he's growing.
"We have to be careful or we'll be killed by our mafioso enemy's remote control plane," I whisper softly into my partner's ear while teasing his nipple.
I'd tell you to stop posting your slash-fic in here if you weren't literally describing the real scene. Truly, Araki is way ahead of us.
But Narancia's not even the one who's been doing the most growing up lately. Trish (my girl!) is going through some rough shit right now, and she's handling it like a champ as far as I'm concerned.
She's certainly handling this better than I would've as a 15-year-old. Like, if my dad cut off my hand just to kill me slightly faster, I'd be staying inside that turtle for the rest of my life.
Yeah, we've finally reached one of my favorite parts of the the entire manga: Trish getting her Stand. She's freaking out about dying without ever figuring out where she came from, when suddenly she becomes aware of this latent part of herself that reassures her that she can and will survive.
Spice Girl's debut was really surprising to me. I figured Trish would develop a Stand sooner or later, and shonen power-ups are certainly routine, but it was neat to see a Stand talking directly with its user in such a personal way. Like yeah, we've had Echoes and Sex Pistols, but they've never given such a cogent motivational speech.
Are you telling me "S-H-I-T kill da ho" isn't a motivational speech? I'm shook.
I'm just saying, it's cool that when Trish doubts herself in the face of danger, her own damn self is the one to assure her that she's strong enough to face it head on.
Spice Girl's such a supportive girlfriend type that now I'm wondering if Trish/Spice Girl counts as selfcest.
I feel like that just falls under masturbation but go off I guess.
I don't wanna go too far down this rabbit hole, but I'm just saying Trish deserves to be happy, and if that entails getting it on with the voice in her head, I'm all for it.
I mean, it's probably healthier than her dad's whole deal. Because boy have we learned some dark secrets about "The Boss".
No wonder he's been trying to keep his identity hidden!
Oh please, Golden Wind is set in the year 2001, so clearly he would be watching Sister Princess.
We've finally (sort of) discovered the identity of Passione's mysterious leader. One of the things I heard rumblings about going into Golden Wind was that its main villain was rather controversial, but honestly I don't see the problem yet. This guy can stand right beside DIO and Kira no problem.
Vinegar Doppio is a special boy. Also yes his first name is Vinegar, which isn't exactly much weirder than Ham or Cheese, but it still gets to me
After years of reading DBZ, anything less than characters being named after underwear doesn't faze me. So yeah, Doppio is decidedly distinct from prior Jojo's Big Bads, in that he's maybe the least intimidating Stand user in this whole show—including the turtle.
That makes him perfect as a sort-of cover for the boss! Nobody expects the scrawny nobody to be important in the organization except as a sugar baby or something.
He's much scarier as an actual baby
. Like honestly, you can throw that one out with the bathwater.
TFW your weird silent baby grows up to bury you under his bedroom floor. The jury's out on whether that's creepier than Kira's hand fetish or not.
I think it's creepier specifically because
he kept her alive. I have no idea why. Did he just chicken out after kidnapping her and sewing her mouth shut? Did he just really love The Telltale Heart growing up? The fuck?
Better a Poe fan than a Lovecraft fan, or whatever inspired this. Geez
, this part of Jojo goes hard on the gross body horror.
I think of myself as being pretty desensitized to gore, especially in Jojo's, but good lord did Risotto's power make my gut churn.
On the bright side, there's only about as much iron in the human body as exists in a two-inch nail, so scissors coming out of your throat is highly unlikely. At worst, you could get two or three razor blades. I'd have to imagine reverse acupuncture still hurts like hell though!
I'm pretty sure just one razor blade in the face is enough to take out most people.
Not to mention that most people appreciate having hemoglobin inside their bodies.
For real, Risotto vs Doppio gets nasty but even if it was hard to watch at times, I'm here for it. The idea of suffocating while you're still breathing is one of the scariest things Araki's yet introduced.
Frankly I'd rather fight the undying cancer monster.
I suppose brutal Stand powers make sense for a cast composed entirely of hitmen but geez, Golden Wind is absolutely hard mode. Though if I remember correctly, it's gonna get worse? At this point, part 5 is approaching 'close-up footage of surgery' levels of ick, with only its cartoon medium to protect us.
I have to imagine it'll get gnarlier, though I'm struggling to think of a more messed-up fight than your own blood turning into scalpels. Though I do appreciate Risotto getting such an ironic death. His own stand made him a target while protecting Doppio, so he ends up being killed by the enemy of his enemy, who are inadvertently rescuing the Boss.
The boss is nothing but devious, even when filtered through the weenie lackey whose head he lives inside. Risotto Nero put up a good fight, but he couldn't take down his target alone. Maybe if Bucciarati's gang hadn't offed most of his team, things could have been different, y'know?
Now Doppio is barely alive and facing down three more stand users, which
is a pretty vulnerable place to see a Jojo's villain. We've still got a cour or so of episodes left, so I imagine he'll slip out of this somehow, but I'm excited to see that play out.
The boss definitely has more tricks up his sleeve, and I guess Doppio's along for the ride. I'm hazy on what happens between now and the endgame, but I'm sure it'll be dope.
Whatever happens, I just hope it's a little less stomach-churning.
Hold on, lemme ring up Araki to submit your request.