2004 April Fools Jokes

by George Phillips,
Anime News Network acquired by Wizard Entertainment

Failed attempt at hostile takeover by Anime News Network leaves door open for Wizard

Wizard Entertainment, the publishers of Anime Insider, along with numerous other geeky magazines, announced today it has completed a hostile takeover of Anime News Network. "This was too easy," said Gareb Shamus, CEO of Wizard Entertainment. "In an attempt to take over a portion of Wizard, the previous owners of Anime News Network essentially handed us their company."

"Everything was set up so perfectly for us to take them over," said a dejected Christopher Macdonald, former owner and editor in chief of Anime News Network. "Half the staff of Anime Inva.. err Insider were actually undercover staff of Anime News Network. You could pretty much say that ANN wrote and published Anime Inva... Insider. We went out and bought what appeared a significant share of Wizard on the stock market, and when we were ready to strike I called up Mr. Shamus and made an offer.

Without disclosing that Anime News Network already owned what they thought to be a "significant" share of Wizard Entertainment, Anime News Network's board of directors suggested a $1 to $1 exchange of Anime News Network shares for 10% of Wizard's voting stock.

"We thought we controlled close to the majority of Wizard's stock as it were. The additional 10% was supposed to give us a controlling stake in Wizard, but it turns out that Wizard is actually worth a bit more than we thought. In return for 10% of their company they ended up controlling 10,000% of Anime News Network, and we ended up controlling 10.001% of Wizard," former Anime News Network COO George Phillips explained.

"What a bunch of morons," stated Wizard CFO Fred Pierce. "They thought $100,000 would give them close to controlling share in Wizard Entertainment. Hell, that won't even pay my salary."

"Who would have thought that Wizard Entertainment was worth millions of dollars?" said Christopher Macdonald, the prime moron. "Plus, it turns out that the staff we secretly infiltrated into Anime Invasio... goddamn... Anime Insider don't get to vote at Wizard's board of directors meetings. I mean, what kind of total BS is that?"

"We didn't actually want the whole company," added Mr. Macdonald, "All we were really interested in was Anime... the anime magazine, we would have traded them back the controlling shares of Wizard in return for ownership of Anime Insider (hey, I got it right this time). I wonder if they'll let me trade... something to get ANN back."

"We have big plans for Anime News Network," explained Doug Goldstein, now managing editor of the website, "Starting with the next edition, we're going to include a lot more features on the new anime coming to North America, but we might have to trim the news section down to 8 or 9 articles a month. We're having a bit of trouble tracking down when ANN is released, though. The older articles are all spread out through the month, and that can't be right."

Cookie-san no Newsroom Submitted for an Oscar

Cookie-san no Newsroom: The Movie submitted to Academy Awards

Cookie-san no Newsroom: The Movie has been submitted to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for consideration for this year's Oscars. Based on the wildly popular TV Series, Cookie-san no Newsroom swept the box office at a couple North American home theaters this year. In select households in Montreal, New York and Penn State, Cookie-san no Newsroom was seen by as much as 50% of the male adult population.

"Well, theoretically I guess it could be eligible," explained academy representative Jeff Lowry, "Our standard procedure for Japanese animation these days is to see if it has any chance of winning. If it has more than a snowball's chance in hell, we find some obscure reason to dismiss the submission."

Commenting on the likelihood of something not made by his company winning the Oscar for best theatrical animation, Walt Disney CEO Michael Eisner recently said this at a press conference, "Well, remember a few years ago that Japanese movie won the Oscar? All the judges thought they were voting for 'Spirit', but those conniving Japanese came up with a name that was so similar to Spirit's that they stole the vote. We don't want that kind of embarrassment anymore, so we instructed the Academy not to permit any more Japanese shows to be nominated. Its bad enough when we get trounced by Dreamworks, but to have something foreign beat us?"

"I think its really great that this show might win the Oscar," commented Wizard CEO Gareb Shamus, "If it wins the Oscar we'll re-release it into 800 theaters with only one change. Wizard no Newsroom.

Wizard CFO Fred Pierce would not comment on just how much the company planned to bribe the academy judges, "What and let our competition know how much they need to outbid us by?"

Dragon Ball AF Confirmed!

Big news from Daizenshuu EX today: Akira Toriyama is making a new Dragon Ball TV series! Dragon Ball AF, once only the stuff of rumors, has been confirmed for a late 2004 release. Daizenshuu EX has posted a flyer and a commercial captured from TV. DBAF is scheduled to air on September 8th at 7:30, with a preview on August 25th.

Proof of WMDs Found in Iraq

Japanese envoy Godzilla discovers radioactive sludge in nursery school remains

While on patrol in downtown Baghdad, Japanese special envoy Godzilla belched and destroyed 6 blocks with his atomic breath. Amongst the ruins US specialists found high levels of Radioactive material.

"This finally proves what we've been telling people all along. Iraq was in the process of creating radioactive weapons of mass destruction, possibly for use against the United States and its interests." Announced US Secretary of State Colin L. Powell.

UN Nuclear Weapons Specialist Francine Darth however has expressed some doubt as to the veracity of the claim, "Following the fall of Bagdad, our team investigated the area in question quite thouroughly and there was no indication of Radioactive material whatsoever. If there had actually been some sort of factory producing radioactive weapons of mass destruction we would have detected something in our sweeps."

ANN's reporter in Iraq however received word that the US forces believe that the weapons were extremely well shielded in the basement of what was a nursery school located in the very center of Godzilla's belch. Unfortunately the atomic belch destroyed everything in the area, but the US forces maintain that the origin of the radioactive material must have been at the very center of the destroyed area as it now covers the entire area. "There's no other way for the radioactive material to have evenly spread out accross the entire area destroyed by the atomic belch," explained an army commander who refused to be named.

Internet speculation has suggested that the radioactive readings are actually a result of Godzilla's atomic belch, a claim that Japanese physicist and Godzilla expert Dr. Hiro Nagoya denies, "While its true that Godzilla's belch is rather nasty, there's no reason to suggest that it would leave a radioactive signature. That's actually a very rude thing to say, how would you like it if someone called your belch 'Radioactive'? Anyways, I must go now, I've been offerred a new job in Washington."

After dispatching Godzilla to Afghanistan in 2003, Japan agreed to send its special operative to Iraq in order to help secure the area and a stake in Iraq's oil wealth.'

bookmark/share with: short url

Feature homepage / archives