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6 Pieces of Attack on Titan Merchandise That No One Asked For

by Lynzee Loveridge,

When any piece of media hits its popularity zenith, you can expect all kinds of merchandise to come out of the woodwork to capitalize on its fanbase. If you watch the Star Wars episode of Netflix's The Toys That Made Us you can see both the pros and cons of these situations. In the case of Star Wars, a mom-and-pop toy company made off with a stellar contract that put them in every kids' toybox. On the other hand, the prequel films would lead to an abundance of Jar Jar Binks merch and no one from here to Naboo wanted.

This happens in anime, too. Neon Genesis Evangelion is often the example everyone loves to bring up, and no less guilty for it. Sailor Moon also fell victim to this during its big 20th anniversary push and while it's settled down some, Usagi just recently appeared in an ad campaign for dietary supplements. Another franchise that's added absurd (and frankly sometimes downright ugly) merchandise to its catalog over the last decade is Hajime Isayama's Attack on Titan. The horror-action show was (and still is) a huge draw that has led to all kinds of companies trying to get their goods into fans' hands.The results are...mixed.

Waxing Strips

The Don Quixote discount chain stores released two rounds of Attack on Titan themed waxing strips and the whole campaign makes my eyes water. Both campaigns for the strips focused on waxing NOSE HAIR which triggers that internal, tingly pain response in my face. The ad artwork has shown but the small statured titan with a full bushel of hair coming out of his nose and the Beast Titan with a similarly hairy olfactory. The campaign seems like a slightly more graphic (but just as silly) follow-up to Schtick's tie-in that featured razor-wielding Survey Corps members.

Laundry Detergent

Levi is a total clean-freak and his perfectionist tendencies has made him a poster boy for household products like detergent. The "Attack Anti-bacterial EX Super Clear Gel" detergent was sold exclusively at Matsumoto Kiyoshi stores. The team behind the collaboration got fans involved as much as possible, going so far as letting fans decide on a "design with no regrets" for the detergent bottle's art. The campaign even edited in detergent bottles into scenes that previous featured Eren, including the one seen above. Is Levi about to kick this bottle's ass?

Cup Noodle Mystery Meat is...TITANS!

Is Soylent Green a sci-fi touchstone in Japan? This Cup Noodle campaign to sell Smoky Chili Soy Sauce Flavor seems like a deliberate reference. Nissin attempted to inspire curiosity with the flavor and its "mystery meat" cubes but I'm skeptical of eating any protein that isn't upfront about its origins. In order to alleviate my and other potential eaters concerns, Cup Noodle actually created a whole story to explain that its instant noodle meat comes from Titans.

Humans live in a world controlled by Cup Noodle mystery meat (Titans), and they decide to fight back against the oppression of Nissin Foods and its giant creatures. In this battle to save humanity, the Survey Corps uses forks and kettles of boiling water to combat those enemies who try to destroy them. On the 729th mission to suppress the mystery meat monsters, a "rare variety" of mystery meat appears that is different from normal mystery meat. The Survey Corps scrambles to react to the unexpected challenge.
I'll assume their reaction is to eat it. Don't eat Titan meat folks. IT'S PEOPLE.

Hideous Beer Stein

This is official merchandise. It's completely licensed, hand sculpted, hand painted, and just hideous. It's not like the Colossol Titan is a real looker, but his head was at the very least proportionate to the rest of his body. Let's zoom in our buddy's face here.

He's not doing so hot. In fact, he's oddly reminiscent of one of the koopas from the 1993 Super Mario Bros. film. Slap a suit jacket and tie on this guy and he's ready to kidnap a princess. Also, in the event that you're so inclined, I don't recommend jumping down the "hand-sculpted pop culture mug" rabbit hole. You'll find all sorts of things you'll never unsee.

Attack on Titan Ferrari

Itasha are hardly unique but this might be the most expensive example I've seen other than the Decepticon Maserati. The Ferrari appeared with a Titan in tow in Tokyo's Akihabara to celebrate the anime's first Blu-ray and DVD release. It wasn't just a promotional vehicle; it was for sale to the tune of US$600,000. The red luxury sports car was owned by the Akiba Drug & Cafe and shown off for about a month before it was presumably sold to someone. Where is it (and its skinless model) now? Are its Colossal Titan and chibi Survey Corps decals still firmly affixed? Who dropped half a million on this thing?

Goblet Mug

When I imagine a goblet, I picture a shining, bejeweled piece of dinnerware filled to the brim with red wine. Or Nazis graphically melting into skeletons. What I don't picture is a questionably-colored Freddy Kruger hand. I don't think this can be used to drink comfortably either, there's no specific spot that looks like it'd fit someone's hand.

Lynzee's most questionable piece of Attack on Titan merch is a T-Shirt of Levi dancing with the lead guy from Welcome to the Ballroom. That show didn't really pan out, did it? (Twitter.)

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